Before I went to South Carolina last summer, I was fortunate enough to be able to travel to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where I auditioned for American Idol with my ex-best friend, Kelsey. This is the story of that first American Idol audition.
After long hours over two months of practice, besides what I am normally involved in, the week of auditions has come and I have a plan. I'm going to sing Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel".
Randomly, three days before we need to be at the hotel in Pittsburgh, my friend decides she is going to come along. We go through A LOT to get all of the necessary paperwork and don't have time to get anything notarized and she has no idea what she is going to sing.
On the road, we joke around, listen to loud music, and make funny faces at passerby. My mom was driving since neither of us had our licenses yet. We get to Pittsburgh the day before auditions. We check into a run-down motel that looks like a base camp for Iraqi terrorists. Anyway, we unload the van and we set out to find something to eat. I don't remember what anyone else had. I know we went to some weird pizza place and I had some really spicy chicken wings and root beer. I also know that my friend and I were being extremely obnoxious and my mom got mad and made us get up and leave. I thought that was pretty funny, but at the same time I was getting really annoyed with my friend.
While we were driving into the city to get the papers notarized, we were still deciding on what song Kelsey was going to sing. At this point, it was between "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette and "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. I didn't know it until she sang at auditions, but she chose the latter.
We get to the city and we GPS places to get things notarized. First of all, how the FUCK does anyone get around in Pittsburgh? Even the bitch on the GPS was saying "Fuck you. I don't want to help you anymore." Seriously. She started crying because we were frustrating her. Imagine how we felt! Betrayed not only by the morons who designed Pittsburgh, but by the GPS lady who was supposed to get us through the hell they created! Second, no one in Pittsburgh had a normal place to get things notarized. Not a single one. And they all cost $94234989304823 to get it done if the people were at work. Finally, after literally 5 hours, we find a small law firm who has a notary. We go, we pay our $50, and we're finally done with the damn paperwork. I was becoming so incredibly irritable and hot and the only thing I learned that day was how much I hate that city.
We went to Heinz stadium to register. We received bracelets with the American Idol symbol on them and they took our paperwork. They didn't even look at it. They just tossed it in a box. After the hell we went through to get them notarized, I hoped to hell they would somehow process it further in the future.
Anyway, we got something quick to eat that night and hung out at the hotel, being loud assholes all night. I was nervous and when I get nervous I can't sleep. So, it didn't help us the next day when we were all tired and it was all my fault!
We got up at like 5am to get showered and dressed. I wore a black skirt, a sequined lips top, and piano flats. When we got to Heinz field that day, I was first in awe of how many people were in front of us. And then, a while later, I looked behind us and was even more wowed. I was nervous and giddy and my mom, Kels, and I were getting along and talking about all of the What-ifs and wondering what it would be like.
I spotted a group of kids about 2 years older than us. I think I fell in love that day. I met a guy (I don't know his name, but really, what's in a name?) and he was wearing Jackass converse and was playing guitar. I drifted over to listen to him and then he talked to me. Me! And we talked about Jackass and he had met all of my idols! It was so strange. One of those fate meetings. Then, my mom forced me to play my guitar and play one of the songs I had written. Everyone liked it, but I felt so sick almost. Like, embarrassed maybe? And, I didn't even know why.
Kelsey kind of blended in and I was thankful for that. She can be a handful at times. We sat around and listened to interviews with radio personalities and local newscasters and auditioners who were trying their hardest to sing and impress the rest of us. Most of them should have their mouths sewn shut.
Almost everyone was singing Adele. So original. One girl sang a stupid nursery rhyme and was dressed up like a bumblebee. OMG. THEN, there was a kid who sang "California King Bed". He sounded like a dying lamb, Andy Dick, and Cindy Lauper all rolled into one. I was very frightened.
We waited for so long and finally the line started moving. It looked like a refugee camp during an alien invasion. We made it the the seats in the auditorium. Before we could get up and explore the stadium and find a place to practice, the entire group of singers sang bits of "Firework" by Katy Perry. Over. And over. And over again. When that was over with, we practiced and sung for people and judged each other and I was getting more and more nervous. In my nervousness, I changed my game plan. Big mistake. I changed my song selection to "Innocence" by Avril Lavigne.
I was practicing and I was getting nervous and all of the sudden Kelsey comes from behind and scares me on purpose, not knowing how I was about to react. Well, I punched her in the face. I hit her and then felt stupid. I didn't know who it was and I felt bad, but when I tried to apologize, she was being a little bitch. So, I figured she deserved it. I walked away and tossed an entire $3 root beer across the floor. When I went to sit back down in my auditorium seat, she was talking about it to some stranger. So, I raised my fist at her again to scare her. Not gonna lie, her face at that moment still amuses me when I think about it.
Eventually, I don't know how we started talking a little again. I guess we had to because we were both scared shitless and our section had been called. So we made our way down to the field. On the field, it didn't seem fair. You could hear the singers' strain to hear each other and some strained to drown others out. When it was our turn to get in line, they lined us up in lines of either 4 or 5. Each line was a row of five lines. There were 10 judging stations set up with this set up. It was all about the suspense as we inched closer and closer to the judges. When we got there, they pointed at each of us and one by one we sang. Nothing personal, nothing telling. When the people in front of us were great and didn't make it through, I knew I was doomed.
It was my turn. I sang "Innocence" and very well. I wasn't nervous. I looked at the judges. I was calm, collected, and breathing correctly. Then, the judge did something that I didn't think was very fair. He said to me "Good girl." I was under the impression I had done something right and that I would make it to the next round. I was wrong. All they said was, "Sorry. You all have some good qualities, but you're not what we're looking for." All of my line was dismissed. Not what you're looking for? NOT WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?
I coolly set out toward the exit and I was bombarded by a cameraman trying to get me to say bad things. He was like: How do you feel? Don't you want to tell those judges off? etc. Questions that were meant to trap me. All I said was "See you next year." I left and I didn't cry for a very long time. My mom thought I was going to make it and I let her down. Everyone thought I was going to make it. My dad thought I was playing a joke on him again like when I'd get my report card and tell him I failed a class. But, this time, it wasn't a joke. I failed at something. Something that every person in my town begs me to do all of the time.
I felt like American Idol was a scam. An "economic stimulus", if you will. All of us were sold on this dream, this one in a million chance to be noticed, so we spent our time on preparation, our effort on travel and auditions and paperwork, and even more money on travel and notary and hotels. It simply wasn't worth it.
That day, many good singers were sent home. Many great singers were sent home. I am in no way great, but I am in many ways deserving. For me, it isn't about fame and money. It's not even about recognition. It's about getting my foot in the door until I can sing my own songs. Messages that I believe are important for the youth in our nation to hear. It's as simple as that.
Between the driving around and getting lost for hours, our less than desirable motel, the heat, and the 12 hours spent JUST IN THE STADIUM itself, Pittsburgh brought out the worst in all three of us and I wonder if it hadn't been Pittsburgh if maybe I would have gotten at least to the next round.
We went home. We were over it. We were moving on. But, we were highly disappointed at the freak-show American Idol had turned into. Out of the three of us, it was only my mother who watched that season. I can't even listen to "Innocence" anymore and she tries to get me to watch Pittsburgh with her. She was just proud that I tried. I wish I had that sort of mindset where merely my best was acceptable.
